Struggle

today has been one of those horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad days

fair warning, this post is probably going to be more than a little emotional, melancholy and a handful of other sad adjectives

where to start?

This week has been a rough one in many ways, but overall it’s just been constantly weighing on me that I am struggling to make it by this year, not that things are completely awful all the time or I’m depressed or anything, but I thought by the time I was 25 I would have life more figured out. A steady job – well I have one until June, and then I’m jobless again. A flourishing social life. Maybe even a guy.  This week has just been a reminder of all the things I don’t have.  And normally I only allow myself to wallow in that self-pity for a moment and then I remind myself of how many wonderful things I have been blessed with, but this week just seems to be reminder after reminder of what is lacking.

On Wednesday, it was sister’s birthday and we were going to the Coldplay concert in Seattle. I drove since the concert wasn’t far from my former college campus and I know the area well. We went to dinner and were heading to the concert when I noticed that my normally zippy car was acting really weird, I would press on the accelerator and nothing much would happen. It just crept along the street, but once I was going from a stop it was driving fairly normally, unless I was going uphill then it seemed to be a gamble if we would actually make it to the top or go rolling backwards – think princess diaries when the car rolls backward into the trolley. We made it to the concert safely, and had a fantastic time, but I just had this sinking feeling that the car trouble was something major.

After the concert, I was more than a little panicked about getting back to sister’s house since it would require driving up two of Seattle’s biggest hills and my vehicle was obviously not coping well with that terrian.  We were parked on the lower level of a parking garage and as I approached the ramp to leave I stomped on the accelerator hoping for enough juice to carry me up the hill, didn’t happen, I had to back down the ramp and give myself a straight-away so the car would have enough momentum to get up the small-although-steep parking garage ramp. We made it, and we made it all the way back to the house although I was terrified the whole time that I wouldn’t.  I decided I didn’t want to risk trying to drive it back on the freeway so thankfully AAA towed it to my hometown mechanic.  They looked it over and couldn’t find anything wrong, and it drove like a dream. They suggested I should take it to the dealership because there was a chance that what was wrong could be covered by them.

Yesterday, mom and I drove the car over to the dealership for a $100 diagnostic test.  Found out today, that it needs a new radiator and transmission at a cost of approximately $5,000.

cue the tears and instant panic

I am barely, barely making ends meet currently and have had to use savings each month to cover a portion of my bills. I’ve been living at my parents to save gas money, instead of living in the house I pay rent for. I got the phone call about an hour ago, and I am starting to calm down, I know my parents will help me pay for things and get it all figured out but I just feel like I can’t take their money and I am a grown-up I should be able to take care of this myself.

In the grand scheme of things, I know it will all work out and I probably seem incredibly selfish with eveyrthing that I’m saying. I know there are people who are facing things so much greater and scarier than this, and I’ve been making a list in my head of all the good things I have, everything I have been so richly blessed with and I start to feel a little bit better but then that fear starts to creep back in, the disappointment in myself for letting the fear win and for not trusting that this is all for good, there is a reason for this, just like all the wonderful things, there is a reason for the struggle.

And I know that even if all those things that I feel like I’m missing were in my life, things would not be perfect, and there would still be something to find fault in.  I know that I’m not supposed to have life figured out, I’m just supposed to trust and follow where God is leading. I know that in a year – maybe even less – all of this will be nothing more than a passing memory.

I’m starting to feel better, writing always helps me process, and prayer has also been huge. I’m feeling more level-headed now, still scared but feeling stronger, I can deal with this. It’s been a bad day, but it’s not over yet, there may still be something wonderful waiting, and hey, it is pretty wonderful to have parents who support me and don’t hesitate to help when I need it, even if I don’t ask for it, they are there.

this is the time to choose joy instead of sorrow, it’s all part of His plan

“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Tumbling Down

Well my day started out with a bang, and a bump, and a bruise…

I fell down the stairs.

And it was terrifying.

Our house has this staircase that is divided into a long flight of about 10 or so stairs and then there is a landing with a little window, and it turns a 90 degree angle, and there is a smaller flight of about 5 or 6 stairs.  The house is over 100 years old and so the staircase is narrow and steep.  Now, that you have the setting pictured here’s what happened…

I was leaving my room on my way down to take a shower, I lost my footing (stupid slippers), and started to slip.  In mid-air I started to panic that I would somehow fall forward and go tumbling through the window and fall two stories, so I try to throw my weight back instead of forward.  I successfully (somehow) managed to fall backward and then I hit the stairs. And I hit hard.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me but I didn’t have any time to recover because as soon as I was on the ground, I proceeded to tumble-down the remaining short flight of stairs stopping at the landing.  Thankfully I didn’t continue to fall down the much longer flight of stairs.  But after I fell I just laid there for a while…I could tell I hadn’t broken anything but had jostled my neck pretty good as well as injuring my tailbone.  It felt like I had been hit by a line-backer, or by a bus, or some other big heavy thing had just run full force into me.

I have been in pain all day, although thankfully I was able to stay positive and upbeat with my kindergarteners despite feeling uncomfortable sitting, standing, walking, etc.  I love them to death, but sometime all their wants and needs can drive me a little bonkers.

At free time at the end of the day one of my little ones, made me a kite (a piece of construction paper taped to some string) and she very adamantly told me I should go fly it after school, I didn’t want to dash her hopes and let her know her teacher would not be flying her kite due to the huge amount of pain she was in; so  I told her I would put it up on the wall with the other artwork students have made for me so everyone could see it and that seemed to make her happy.

I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for last week, but tomorrow morning I will start my new sort of job at my current school.  I’ll basically be doing what I would have done had I gotten the job, minus the title.  So, tomorrow morning I’ll be meeting with teachers and trying to figure out how I can best help their students.  I’m really excited for the extra work, as well as the opportunity to get to know other staff and students, but with how I’m feeling right now I just wish I could sleep in! I’m definitely going to try to hit the hay early tonight, and I plan on taking a nice warm shower before bed to try to loosen up some of those stiff and sore muscles.

I even stopped at the pharmacy on the way home to see if they had any magical recommendations to make me feel better.  They didn’t.  And I got to tell more people that I fell down the stairs, it’s a little embarrassing.  But oh well. I got some chocolate and that certainly has helped my mood a bit, however I’m anticipating feeling worse tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes. :0)

Up and Down

Today has been crazy. And I’m feeling a little silly, so I’m going to break the ups and downs of today into a playlist of sorts (there are links to each song)…so here’s my Wednesday…

• “Let It Snow” - This morning when the pup and I left on our run, it was snowing and very windy. But we ventured out nonetheless.  It was a cold but invigorating run, and about halfway through the snow stopped.
• “Flight of the Bumblebee” - Later in the morning, while I was getting ready to head for work, I let the dog out into the backyard, and she ran out to chase a squirrel.  Well, she caught it and then it escaped, and then I chased the dog, chasing the squirrel.
• “ABC” - Kindergarten…great day in kindergarten.  Full of reading testing, writing thank you letters to the Kiwanis club,  and learning how to solve problems using Kelso skills.  Favorite kindergarten quote of the day, “I know this letter, it’s S, I always know it, it’s just is stuck in my brain all the time.”
• “It Never Entered My Mind” – I came home from school to find that my roommates would once again be out of the house for the evening (fifth night in a row).  I always thought that if I lived with people, we’d actually be at the house together, that’s how it was when I had roommates in college, and maybe having roommates post-college is different. But I may as well be living on my own, it’s frustrating and also disappointing, but mostly lonely.  (Also, this is one of my favorite jazz songs ever, love Miles Davis)
• “Blindsided” – It’s payday today, which should be a happy day, and it started out that way a little like this “Just Got Paid” but after paying rent, utilities, student loans, cell phone, and other assorted bills I realized that once again I will have to dip into my savings account to make ends meet this month, even with the added cushion I gave myself with my tax refund.  Definitely felt blindsided.  I’m not going to lie, I got a little over emotional about it.  For the past two years I’ve had plenty of money, and was able to spend it however I wanted while still paying bills, and putting money into savings, now I’m scraping by and it’s been tough. I’m not destitute and I am blessed to have a job and a roof over my head, I know there are people in a tighter fix than me, but I feel like I’m scrambling and it’s not a pleasant feeling.  I feel like I’m back in college living on a very structured budget with very little if any room to spend money for fun or savings.  I’m going to try to set up a much more organized and strict outline of how and where my money gets spent so I can start putting more into my savings account. And for this coffee fiend, that means so long Starbucks, but that’s okay, I’ll do what I need to do.
• “How I Met Your Mother” – So after all of that, I decided to come home and watch a little of my newest favorite TV show. It has helped to lift my spirits and make me laugh, like this sage advice from one Barney Stinson.

Tomorrow is a new day and I’m hoping there will be more ups than downs!

Just Great

Back from a long, unintended blogging break. And while not that much has changed aside from the fact that the school year will be coming to a close in 2 and a half weeks, I’m here to share news from my little corner of the world. This week has not been all that good. Okay, not totally true.

Last weekend was wonderful. Kim, Natalie and I had a little reunion over Memorial Day weekend. It was the first time we’d all hung out since February getting Kim ready to head down to Oregon for her dream job.  I love those girls. It’s like no time has passed when we’re together, minus the fact that now one of us has a husband, we are not in college anymore living next door to each other, and life seems to be more complicated.  Anyway, we had a weekend full of laughter and giggles, watching old videos from our college days and staying up way too late.  Miss them already.

School was actually pretty good this week, no major issues minus trying to catch up on the lack of sleep from an eventful weekend. My kids were great. They have Spring Fever and are so ready to be done. I’m right with them but have to keep them focused on school still, it’s been a little challenging, but we had lots of laughs this week.

Oh, and let me just add this little morsel of awkwardness. So last week, we had this open house thing where parents could come with their kids to see what they’ve been up to in class lately. I had about half my class come, anyway this very sweet little girl came with her dad. And after she’s showed him her work, etc. She looks at me and says, “My dad likes you.” And he goes “Well, she’s a great teacher!” And here’s the kicker, she responds, “Yeah, and he wants to ask you out!”

AHHH! I wanted to die, I think I just kinda awkwardly smiled and tried to brush it off, thankfully other parents and kids were in the room so I wasn’t stranded and then the little girl and her dad left. Well, I thought that was the end of that. Yesterday, she writes me this note:

“My Dad loves you. He’s been dreaming about you. He loves you.”

Ahhh!! I didn’t respond and now I’m desperately hoping he’s not going to try to ask me out after school ends. I need a pretend boyfriend, or a real one, and fast!

So embarrassing incident, number one…then, fast forward to this morning, wake up to a glorious day sun shining and the hopeful promise from the weatherman  today will be in the high 60s. I got ready for school and headed off to work, stopped and got a coffee, and headed towards the building.  Well, I was running just a tad late and right as I’m approaching the building those flashy signs that let you know when you need to slow down during school hours turned on, and I started to slow down…

Not fast enough. I got pulled over in the school parking lot, for speeding in a school zone, even though I was in the middle of slowing down.  Oh and wait it gets better, standing out front of school is a crowd of 5th and 6th graders hanging out.  And yes, they totally recognized me and watched the whole saga of me being ticketed unfold.

I was mortified, and not to mention now even later for work then I was before. AND, I have an almost $300 fine to pay because in case you didn’t know, speeding in a school zone is a double fine. yikes! I managed to hold it together until I got to my classroom, through calling Mom and then I called Dad and tears started falling.  We talked for a few minutes until I had to let my munchkins in and I managed to pull it together. But then later today, one of my students came up to me and said, “Were you upset you got pulled over?” I answered yes, to which she replied, “I thought so, it looked like you’d been crying when we came in this morning.” And she patted my shoulder and smiled at me. Kids somehow know when you need a little extra love, brightened my day.

And the kids were definitely talking about all the excitement I’d caused, I heard from several teachers who heard from students about my being pulled over.  In one way it was nice though.  The teacher whose classroom is next door came over and gave me a big hug and told mer her own school zone ticket story, so thanks 6th graders for spreading the word. Gah, I made it through the day in one piece, and managed to drive home and to Tacoma without having any more interactions with the police.

I’m really hoping tomorrow will be better, and I can stop feeling so stupid.

Spring Break Not So Great

It’s the first day of spring break technically, and typically that means sunshine and blue sky. Well not here, it’s rainy and a little thundery too. And right now my mood matches the weather outside.

School was good, a half day easy enough. The kids finished some writing from the week and we ended the day with a drawing lesson. I was feeling good about everything, leaving for Boston late tomorrow night and a chance to not think about long vowels, pencil sharpening, and when you should use a comma. 

Then, I came home.  Dad and I were sitting on the couch watching an old movie on TV, pretty typical behavior for us and then he got a phone call about the potential for job openings here in the district next year. After he got off the phone, he proceeded to tell me about a colleague of his who has family looking for teaching jobs in Portland and how they are on a 2 year waiting list just to sub and that there will more than likely be a good chance for me to get hired here again next year. And in response, I reminded him that I don’t want to live here, and so he started suggesting nearby cities that I could live in instead, and I told him again that’s not what I want to do. And he responded well I just don’t understand why you would want to move away from a job here, and not in the nicest way.

Now, I’m feeling like crap. I thought parents were supposed to be supportive. I know it’s risky, I know I may be turning down opportunities to work here but it’s not where I want to be. I’ve tried it here, I have no life. I feel like it’s just passing me by, I go to school, I have play practice, I have YL but I don’t really have any connections with people. It’s just nothing.

I’m so tired of feeling lonely, and like an old lady who hangs around the house all the time. This year especially has been really hard, in a job that I’m not necessarily crazy about and trying to make the best of that situation. And now, I feel like if I do go through with this plan to move with my sister my dad is going to be really mad at me and our relationship will suffer. I understand why he’s worried, I get it. But can’t he see my side too? I just don’t know what to do, I can’t make everyone happy. And for once, I’m trying to figure out what would be the best decision for me, and I’ve thought about it a lot and I really think this is it. So maybe I won’t be a teacher for a while, I can deal with that. I can get another job. I know I’d be fighting for a job pretty much anywhere, and yes leaving a district I’ve worked in may not be the best career move but isn’t there more to life than work…it feels that over the past 2 years that’s all I’ve really had is work. And I want more than that.

Here’s hoping the rest of break is better than day one.

Starting Over

yesterday was a bad day, in fact it’s one of the few times I’ve broadcast my mood over my facebook account…

I thought I had the job, it was mine for the taking. but God has other plans, and now I’m starting over, waiting and anticipating what will come next. I had an offer to nanny for the coming year and was very tempted to take it, especially because it would be for an incredible family and 2 little kiddos I love, but it felt like the easy way out. So I turned it down.

I know crazy right, here on the same day where I don’t get the teaching job I thought was mine I get a job offer for something else. But it’s just that I went to school to be a teacher, I’m passionate about teaching and working with kids. And nannying I’d still be working with kids, but it’s not quite the same…so I’m sticking out this rough patch with faith that the RIGHT job is still out there, which means the right job for me this year might be subbing but there is a plan and a purpose in that and I will do it for God’s glory.

Right now I just need to live in trust and faith, saturate every moment with the knowledge that He has a plan.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but clearly I never do. There’s no way for me to know what’s coming, I don’t know how many times God has tried to teach me this lesson. And I get it for a while, and then something new comes on the horizon and I’m sure I’ve got my life figured out and the lesson needs to be taught again.

I guess it really is like Forest Gump says.

Unemployed

I didn’t get the job…

I guess I wasn’t detailed enough in my answers, and that I just didn’t say what they were looking for.

Feeling heartbroken, embarrassed, and upset.

arrrgghhhhhmmmppppffff…

…is my current mood right now. Here’s the synopsis of my day:

Interview #2 Like I said, it was at the same school where I interviewed at on Friday.  And I’ll be honest, it wasn’t my first choice as far as places I wanted to work. But still a job’s a job, and I need a job.  So I went in and felt really good about how I answered their questions and that whole thing.  Then there was a written portion, where you had to write a 20 minute reading lesson.  I didn’t feel quite as confident with that, but I thought I came up with a pretty solid lesson. Well, to cut to the chase, I didn’t get the callback for second interview, last year when I interviewed for a first grade job there I did. So it’s disheartening…you know I don’t know if I could have answered something better, or if my lesson wasn’t up to their standards or what but it leaves me wondering what I could have done. 

All along I prayed that it would be clear if this was the job for me, and clearly it wasn’t so I can make peace with that but there are only a few more job opportunities left for next year and time is starting to run out.

Disastrous Phone Call So, after I found out I didn’t get the job, I was out and about with Mom. And once I heard from the principal I made the calls to let parents know. Then I called my sister, who was a brat on the phone and just set me off into an even worse mood. When I got home I was in no mood to talk to her and things kinda blew up.

So, I’m tired, fighting with the sister, sorta freaking out about next year…and just mentally done for the day.