Dear Valentine

Dear Valentine,

Happy Valentine’s Day though we haven’t yet met,

That will be quite a story, I’m willing to bet.

This year I’m celebrating with Harry and Sally,

Noah, Allie, Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly.

I hope we’ll be together soon,

Perhaps, even by this June.

So Happy Valentine’s wherever you may be,

Wishing love, for you from me.

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past – Part Two

Happy Valentine’s Eve!  I am celebrating this momentous holiday by sporting my hot pink pants in honor of Valentine’s Eve – I’m such a kindergarten teacher, I dress up for holidays! As promised, here’s the second part of my look at boyfriends past…

Boyfriend #2 aka Mr. Popular – Dated for 6 Months

•  Basics A little on the tall side, light brown hair, great sense of humor, friends with everyone, loves Jesus, easygoing, loves his family, easy to talk to, great laugh, interested in sports, movies, Young Life, and just hanging out
• First Meeting I’m not sure exactly how we first met, but we met at some point in high school, and starting in the fall of senior year, we ate lunch together everyday with a group of friends and my sister
• How It All Started It was February of senior year, and Tolo (dance where girls ask the guys) was approaching, I really wanted to go and I wanted to go with Mr. Popular, I talked with my mom, sister and girlfriends about it and they all agreed that I should ask him. Now, I’ve always been fairly shy, especially around guys (I’m a lot more outgoing now than I used to be) and several days went by without me asking him, and time was running out).  So, finally mom told me that I had 24 hours to do it, or I should just forget it.  I went to school and I anxiously watched the hours tick by and then finally there he was at my locker with everyone else who congregated there between classes.  I pulled him aside and nervously asked him to the dance, he said yes, and we officially became a couple right before Valentine’s Day.
• The Good Mr. Popular and I had more in common than I ever felt like I had with Mr. Hipster. We spent most of our time hanging out with our group of friends, and at each other’s houses with each other’s families.  We were both involved with Young Life, and helped out as student leaders. He didn’t tease me about my love of Disney movies, and would gladly watch them with me. I felt like I could tell him whatever was on my mind. We went to church together.
• The Bad He wasn’t super motivated.  He had no post high school plans and I encouraged him to attend community college, my dad pulled some strings and got him a position working with Young Life.  When he went out-of-town and when I didn’t call him as often as he wanted me to it turned into a huge fight, although he never called me either. He had a mentor who didn’t like me and encouraged him to end things with me, I have always wondered if that’s what our break-up came down to.  While we had a lot in common, it kind of felt like our relationship wasn’t a perfect fit – the best I can equate it to is trying on a pair of shoes that fit, but they pinch your pinky toe, or rub against the back of your heel – they’re cute but not right.
• How It Ended August of the summer after senior year, I went over to his house to watch a movie and hang out.  What I was walking into was a break-up.  We had seen each other the night before, at a Young Life event and things were totally fine and seemed normal.  He couldn’t even give me a concrete reason as to why he was ending things, what I remember is both of us crying and him telling me that he didn’t love me anymore.  And perhaps the worst part of this whole break-up was that he left me with the hope that we would get back together, now I don’t mean it was implied, he said it, more than once. And while I was heartbroken, part of me kept clinging to the fact that “we’re going to get back together.”
• The Aftermath I went off to college and didnt’ see Mr. Popular for a long time.  However, we did keep in touch through instant messenger and would talk often.  This went on for several years, and finally I couldn’t take the pull on my heartstrings anymore.  He got married last summer, and is expecting a baby with his wife. I wish him the best and am glad that he’s happy.
• Lessons Learned I want someone who gets along with my family and doesn’t need to go on fancy dates all the time.  I want someone who loves all the silly little things about me. I want someone who has dreams and goals for the future. I learned that I want someone who is right for me, and not someone I try to make fit.

Well, all this may seem depressing but in a way it has been kind of fun to look back on the good (and bad) of relationships past, to think about what I learned.  Happy Valentine’s Eve to you all!

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past – Part One

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, a holiday either loved or loathed, I thought that perhaps this would be a good time to reflect on my relationships of the past, a little like Scrooge (minus the whole being horrible part) looking back at Christmases.  I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic about Valentine’s and the fact that once again I am without someone, not in a depressing way, just matter of factly.  There have only been two years where I had an actual Valentine to spend February 14th with, and those relationships were definitely not ideal.  I am so glad that I am still not celebrating Valentine’s Day with either of my former Valentines.

And in that spirit, I present the no-nonsense look, facts only, of the men – that sounds weird - from my past.

Boyfriend #1 a.ka. Mr. Hipster – Date for 9 Months

• Basics Average height and build, black framed glasses essential part of the look, dark hair, smart, good sense of humor, well liked, interested in theater, books, deep conversation, independent/obscure music, thrifting, movies, technology (one of the only people I know who had a blog in high school)
• First Meeting We met in junior high through mutual friends, and he quickly became a part of my large group of friends.  In ninth grade, my best friend – let’s call her Lola, had a huge crush on him.  We had another friend who was moving away and had a big going away party, I was instrumental in getting Mr. Hipster and Lola to have their first slow dance together, although no relationship blossomed for them after that.
• How It Started Junior year of high school, I started crushing on Mr. Hipster, and really wanted to go to the Homecoming Dance with him. Lola (aka best friend from jr. high) had been asked to go to Homecoming with a slightly nerdy but very sweet friend of Mr. Hipster.  She asked me to tag along with her date and said date would ask Mr. Hipster to come along, so they would each have a sort of security blanket for the evening and ensuring me the evening that I had wanted in the first place, wasn’t this a clever idea!  The four of us made plans and Mr. Hipster and I went into the evening as friends, not as each other’s dates.  Well, the night of the dance rolled around and the guys picked us up at my house .  He brought me flowers even though I wasn’t his date, just because (insert girly squeal her).  Well long story short, what may not have been labeled as a date quickly turned into one.  Two weeks after the dance, in the parking lot of the high school Mr. Hipster asked me to be his girlfriend.
• The Good As he was my first boyfriend, I was head over heels for Mr. Hipster.  He tried to kiss me good-bye on our official first date as he dropped me off, and me being the silly girl I am turned my face at the last moment so all he got was my cheek.  I was taking classes at the local community college so I wasn’t around to see him at school but I would “sneak” onto campus to have lunch with him once a week.  We were both cast in our school’s musical and would spend rehearsals whispering together in the auditorium,  we were both thrilled for all the extra time together, and we were further cast together as a couple in the play.  He would always come up with creative dates for us.  He wrote about me on his blog.  He liked surprising me.
• The Bad I sort of always felt like I wasn’t quite cool enough for him.  Throughout the time we dated there was another girl, an upper classmen, who I knew had a crush on him and I could tell he knew and enjoyed that she did (they started dating not long after we broke up). There were several other occurrences of me worrying over a wandering eye, and he didn’t do much to reassure me that I was his girl. I didn’t always feel like I could honestly share what was on my heart.  He intimidated me at times. We never spent time with each other’s families.  He knew my friends, but I didn’t really know his. He was disappointed that I didn’t plan dates and if I did that mine weren’t as creative as his.
• How It Ended Things with us had been up and down for a while and one August afternoon he called and asked me to meet him downtown at the waterfront what had been our spot.  I remember getting in the car thinking, this is it he’s going to end it.  I arrived first, journal in hand, and prayed and wrote about what I thought and dreaded to be coming.  Sure enough when he arrived we broke up.  The basics of it came down to that he felt I wasn’t open enough with him in conversation, I didn’t say what was on my mind – at least that’s what he told me.  I was heartbroken and remember him leaving as I sat on the bench and tried to hold the tears back until he left.  My sister was my savior in that breakup, when I got back home, she made me go to the pool and swim laps with her, she made my favorite cookies, cleaned my room, made me a Boys are yucky card, took down all my pictures of us together and replaced Mr. Hipster’s face with guys cut out of magazines.
• The Aftermath Mr. Hipster and I still were in each other’s lives, though our social circles had somewhat changed.   We were both on the yearbook staff the following school year, as well as baccalaureate committee, and had many of the same classes.  He wasn’t the same friendly guy that I remembered from before we dated, and we weren’t friends again. The last time I saw him, was November(?) 2010 at the wedding reception of that junior high best friend, Lola. I’m not exactly sure where life has taken him, but I hope that he’s happy.
• Lessons Learned Looking back now, I see so many red flags that should have clued me in that we weren’t right for each other.   I learned that you have to speak up and say what’s on your mind, and that I can’t let other people bully me, or convince me of how I should feel. I learned that I want someone who wants to be with me and it’s okay if I don’t have a brilliant thought every time we talk, it’s okay to just be with each other sometimes.  It’s okay to have my own opinion, I don’t have to conform to someone else’s ideas.

 

Wow, that was a lot to say! I think I’m going to have to break this into another day before we get to any more gentlemen. Until next time…

Rivers and Roads

I am on my way home, sitting on the train listening to some Head and the Heart and Bon Iver after my weekend at the beach with the girls. I’m so tired but feel so blessed for the time we were able to spend together over the last few days. We realized that we have been friends for 6 years, it seems long and short a the same time. That’s as long as elementary school – minus kindergarten – crazy!

The weekend was completely wonderful, I love that although we only get together all three of us twice a year everything falls into place so quickly and it’s like we’re living together in the dorms again – the silliness and the ease of open, deep conversation.

It was such a fun weekend, and now we’re all headed back to our separate lives. In a way it’s sad but it also makes our friendship all the more beautiful that we are at such different places in our lives and yet we still are us.

On another note, my 25th birthday is Saturday. Which I am excited about, and over the last week I’ve been very reflective about life, not in like a depressing way, just thinking about where I am in life now and where I would like to be…which isn’t exactly what I mean, I’m not discontent with life now or where things are at, just that I’ve always seen myself as married with kids and that seems so far away now. I know it will all happen in God’s perfect timing, and I just need to trust, but sometimes it’s frustrating. I feel so ready for that chapter of life but I have no reason to think that’s where I’m headed next. I just need to have faith and trust where God is leading.

The topic of love, marriage, and men were a big focus for us over the weekend which was good for me to get some of this out instead of mulling it over in my own head.

It’s so good to have friends who love you and dream for you when you get stuck in your own reality. I am leaving this weekend feeling rejuvenated but tired, loved, and just so blessed to have the friends I do. Love you girls!

Overflowing October

Life has flashed by in a stream of craziness lately, in good ways and bad. I’m sleepy and have an early morning (inservice – yuck) but have some time to update.

Young Life started back up with a bang, more like an explosion! We’ve had 60+ kids at the past two clubs, AMAZING! And pretty much all of it is due to two awesome kids we took to camp this summer. It’s unbelievable, and we’re hoping that those kids will keep coming back.

I met up with one of my girls tonight. After we briefly talked at church this morning, I knew something was up and we decided to get together for a little catch-up.  Life is stressful and scary for her right now. We sat in Starbucks drinking coffee and gabbing for a long time, laughing at the awkwardness of the football game she went to yesterday and just life. She’s a treasure, and my heart hurts for what she’s going through.

She did ask me if I would speak at YL sometime soon, which makes me nervous and also excited, I told her I’d think about it, but it probably wouldn’t happen for a while. We’ll see.

I feel like I’m getting into a routine with my second graders. Who I adore most of the time. I miss being able to joke around with my 5th and 6th graders from last year, and giving them crap about stuff -  in a good way of course. But second grade has its perks. They’re so open and willing to try anything without worrying about not being cool. I love that they attack me with hugs at the end of the day and at random intervals throughout. I love that while they’re out at recess and I walk from my portable into the building they run over to say hi or wave from the monkey bars as though they haven’t seen me in years. They are wonderful in their own ways, and although they’ll never be my very first class, they are my first second class.

Ahh, and what post would be complete without an update about my nonexistent love life. I’ve decided that the potential love connection at camp (see posts from July/August) will never happen and I don’t really want it to anyway. We are not really compatible, at all.  And he’s not exactly funny, I want a guy who can make me laugh and I want a guy who I don’t know is more chivalrous, I don’t know if that’s exactly the best word for what I mean but I’m tired and vocabulary has flown out the window.

Going to Spokane next weekend for parents weekend with sister. I was there a week ago, long story short, heartbroken sister stuck on this side of the mountains until Sunday afternoon unless I drove her back early, so I did. Long weekend for me, but totally worth it to be there for her. I’m looking forward to this trip since I won’t be the one driving and I’ll be hanging out with her in a larger span of time!

One last tidbit, rehearsals for the fall play are going well. I’m choreographing two dances in addition to assistant directing and the other odd jobs I do to help out. I got 95% of one dance figured out yesterday now I just have to start teaching it to the kids! Love, love, love theater!

Alright, bedtime for me, more soon, promise.

Eat, Pray, Love

What a weekend, from spending the day with my five-year old best friend. To my lifetime BFF, today. Beth came over to my side of town for one last hang out session before she heads back to Boston for school. It was a pretty typical day for us – coffee, pedicures, lounging around and talking, and then we went to see “Eat Pray Love.”

Wow, I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as I did. It was inspiring in a lot of ways, that I need right now. Struggling to figure out what exactly my place in life is at this moment and so much of that resonated while I watched the movie. So empowering.

The idea of eating food to enjoy it and not worrying and agonizing and filling myself with guilt instead of pizza, because I’m worried what someone else will think. not that I’m suddenly going to become a major foodie, but to enjoy life. Really live. Even in the small moments that don’t seem like much while you’re living them, but when you look back those are the things that stand out (snaps to my five-year old friends for contributing to this thought yesterday)

And I think the major big movie moment for me was just that reminder that I don’t need a guy. Yes, I do want a guy in my life, but I am totally, completely, 100% fine without one. Having a man in my life will not solve all my problems - in fact, he will probably create new problems that we’ll work together to solve. And yes of course, if I do find that guy there will be countless happinesses and blessings in that relationship. But finding Mr. Right is not my quest in life, it’s something that happens along the way if that’s God’s plan.

That’s a big lesson for me right now. Not that it’s a totally new one…

My life lately has been defined by the things I don’t have and the things I want. Instead of focusing on living life to the fullest now, in this season – of singleness, of unemployment, of uncertainty, in a way of freedom I’ve been desperately trying to pull things together that in my eyes are missing. We’re constantly told to strive for the things we don’t have, to go out and do whatever it takes to get them. Well, I’m fighting that and instead of expending all my energy in a search for the perfect job and the perfect man, I’m living now.

Living with what I have and what God provides for me on a daily basis. Not that it’s going to be easy to give up, I know this is something I’ll need to pray over and daily ask for God’s help but it feels like things have clicked into place. And no matter how many chick flicks I watch, how many times my YL girls try to fix me up, how many job opportunities come and go, I’m content and blessed with now.

Lost Blog

I was doing a little browsing through some unfinished blogs and found this quote I’d written down without any notes about where it came from or who said it, I don’t remember why I decided to save it but I did, a few poingant words about love and marriage…

“I want to represent my generation now, and I want to make a toast…(raises glass)
To the institution of marriage.
It is an institution created and ordained by God and it is the best institution there is.
I wake up every morning in an empty bed,
and I thank God for the wonderful companion he gave me for 60 years.
And that is what I wish for you.”